Writing and praying behind closed doors: 6) Letter to a colleague

February 2008

Dear Sarah,

Congratulations both to you and Adam on your pregnancy. I am genuinely pleased for you. I hope too, that soon you will experience the “blooming” stage of pregnancy.

Thank you for your sensitivity. I appreciated the way you told me about it by seeking me out on my own to tell me and not in the middle of the office. I am also grateful and thankful that you felt able to tell me; rather than letting me discover in due course by default.

As you may have realised, despite my happiness for you, your news hit me with a sad blow. The sadness took me by surprise. I had taken annual leave earlier in February because that is when my baby had been due. Although I had expected to be depressed during that time, I had felt serene. I thought I was nearly over it. Yet when you told me your news it hit me and I still wished it was me. There is nothing we can do about it-it is just part of the grieving process I continue to go through.

Like you perhaps, I felt ambivalent at the prospect of children. Unfortunately for us it didn’t take its natural course, as we had more than one issue to deal with. And just when it began to seem possible, my age was against us. Due to the difficulties perhaps, I had steeled myself against expecting or wanting children. For only when I became pregnant each time, did I realise how much I wanted and loved each one, and was thrilled at the prospect of being a mother. I enjoyed that secret feeling of being “special” and having someone with me, with each brief experience of pregnancy and I will never regret that. Kevin too was incredibly keen to become a father.

As your pregnancy progresses, I hope you will enjoy the excitement and mystery of it and will feel able to share it naturally and as you want to with the team i.e. the scans, the first movements felt, etc.

I will be interested. The trouble is my feelings are fickle and I can’t always predict how they will react. Sometimes I may be able to join in and ask questions. On other occasions, I may just want to keep a low profile and get on with my work and switch off my ears.

However, please be assured that whichever way I am reacting, I am wishing you well. And I sincerely hope that in less than 9 months time you will be a brilliant Mum to a bouncing baby.

Love and Best Wishes, Julia

(Names of the couple have been changed as I was unable to ask their permission before posting this.)


About Gentle Breeze

Julia is married to Kevin. They live together in Todmorden with their black and white cat Willow. Todmorden is a small rural town nestling among the Pennine hills in the Upper Calder Valley, on the border of West Yorkshire and Lancashire. Julia is a mixture of contradictions. She happily shares her email address with her husband; yet when she married she kept her own surname.
This entry was posted in Christianity, Miscarriage, Spirituality and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Writing and praying behind closed doors: 6) Letter to a colleague

  1. These are beautiful words; so honest and real, and yet also so very mature and open handed, whilst recognising that it is still a struggle.

    • Thank you.
      It can still be a struggle now even several years on. Not all the time, and not so much with babies. It can be just a slight wistfulness or yearning that takes me unawares; and often with people of my own age and generation when they talk of their families; their teenagers leaving home and going to college or getting married. When childlessness there is a sense of loss at all ages.
      And yet, I am still thankful for my life with Kevin.
      That’s why I thought the song was appropriate with the words:
      “And the weak say I am strong”
      It is the love of God that sees me through.
      I must admit the video of ‘Give thanks’ caused me to giggle with the sudden appearance of Jesus. However I liked the girl’s singing and the sincerity in her face and smile.I hope you enjoy it too.
      Julia x

  2. Beautiful, piece and I cannot imagine what you have been through. I had my children late and I did not think it would happen. Life deals us some cruel blows. Others take parenting for granted and when I see a child being neglected I think of people who could not have a family and I have to ask the why, which beats me up inside. Blessings to you and thanks for sharing.

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