Writing and praying behind closed doors: 5) Letter to God (and the reply)

December 2007:

Dear God,

I think I’ve said many “little me” prayers over the last few months. What an idiot I am  to trust, believe I am following Your Guidance and can have a child at my age. Why on earth would you do that for us? We are not that good, devout, spiritual. We are not even attending church regularly. But, yes… when I was pregnant, it was an act of faith. I prayed hard, fervently and I felt close to YOU. More fool me, I suppose in trusting my emotions. Yet, when I was pregnant, I thought… hoped it could work out. When it didn’t I felt very foolish, very human, a failure as a woman. What’s the point in having a womb, ovaries, periods, etc? And though they didn’t exactly say it except two people. I thought most people thought we were fools to apparently leave it so late!!! Certainly from the human point of view. And what use is faith when it is to no avail? I can write so many letters, thoughts as the little me. I don’t know how the “Big me” the Divine me will answer.

Confused and hopefully still loving,

Julia (The Little in me) x   IMAG0189

Dear Julia BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I, AM You are not wrong to trust, to believe, to step out in faith, to test if the door will open… Have I not been with you this whole time…? You are loved INFINITELY by me… When you were pregnant, did you not love the experience and feel special, did you not love each little potential child from the beginning… isn’t that how I LOVE you yet even more so…? Sometimes all the worrying and wondering, what to do next, isn’t necessary… Together with Kevin,in the right time, you can find the way… Let yourself BE for now… Relax, be happy, be lazy, and enjoy being together… What is the point of self blame? Enjoy the home you are creating together…And be SAD, let yourselves be sad for these little ones… Though don’t worry for them…as they are with me…

Love, (perhaps) the DIVINE in me xxx

 

(Note: The idea to write the letters came from the book I was reading: The Gospel of Falling Down:The beauty of failure, in an age of success by Mark Townsend. I highly recommend it.)

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About Gentle Breeze

Julia is married to Kevin. They live together in Todmorden with their black and white cat Willow. Todmorden is a small rural town nestling among the Pennine hills in the Upper Calder Valley, on the border of West Yorkshire and Lancashire. Julia is a mixture of contradictions. She happily shares her email address with her husband; yet when she married she kept her own surname.
This entry was posted in Christianity, Miscarriage, Spirituality and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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