Writing and praying behind closed doors: 3) Wrestling with God

Kiss my Life

“I began to miscarry a second time. As it was happening I saw that this broken foetus was my life. And I wept, and a hundred times I said I cannot bear this, not again. And each time I had the discomfort the bleeding started again; that bright red bleeding of fresh blood and I saw those dark clots. Until I thought, if only I could kiss it, to say Goodbye and acknowledge whatever in it that was my own, perhaps I could bear it. And I blew a kiss to one of the larger clots, to say my farewell and let it go into the toilet to be flushed away.”

(Adapted from Arthur Miller)

When I miscarried the second time, I remembered the words “Kiss your Life” quoted from Give Happiness a Chance by Phil Bosmans. And yes I did blow a kiss at the little dark red clot that had held so much hope for us and future promise. And I was angry with God, our Heavenly Father. And I screamed at him

“Is this what you wanted? I thought the hope and the vision was from you. Tell me what you want of me and what do you want me to do. Why are you so silent? “

And I was not sure of the answer. And I felt I was struggling to balance on that tightrope of my equilibrium. And I was searching for support and friendship and perhaps someone out there being able to comprehend how I was feeling.

The telephone and the internet not working had been the last straw. I felt cut off from my  feeble attempts of communication. Then they were restored. And my Life Coach replied promptly and warmly to my e-mail. Did she realise I had been hanging on by a thread? On impulse I rang R and C and by a serendipitous fluke, R was in on a work day. And our stories were similar. Suddenly I felt supported. I no longer felt we were completely alone in our situation.

When the pregnancy test was positive the second time, we were as excited as with the first. We both wanted a girl and we named the tiny speck RUBY NORA. Ruby is the name of my maternal grand mother. Nora is the name of both our paternal grand mothers.We wanted and liked both names although we joked together saying: “It sounds like the name of a curry.” Travelling in my car to carry out visits for work, I remember feeling thrilled that someone was inside me. I had a little companion experiencing the car journey with me. She seemed very real although she was quicker to die than our first. Later the doctor even said that she might never have been. Orange juice can give a positive pregnancy test, she told me. I am still convinced that the tiny speck Ruby was there for those five weeks.

There was a song that came out at the same time: “Ruby” by The Kaiser Chiefs
Whenever I hear the song, I think of our second potential child.


About Gentle Breeze

Julia is married to Kevin. They live together in Todmorden with their black and white cat Willow. Todmorden is a small rural town nestling among the Pennine hills in the Upper Calder Valley, on the border of West Yorkshire and Lancashire. Julia is a mixture of contradictions. She happily shares her email address with her husband; yet when she married she kept her own surname.
This entry was posted in Christianity, Miscarriage, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Writing and praying behind closed doors: 3) Wrestling with God

  1. jannatwrites says:

    Wow, this was so emotional. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, but I believe the loss is as real as losing a baby held in our arms. I’m so sorry. I’m glad God led you to support so you didn’t feel alone.

    On a sort of related note, my aunt had many miscarriages and finally did have a healthy baby (even after doctors told her it wasn’t safe for her to become pregnant.) That ‘baby’ is 25 now.

    • I am so glad your aunt had a healthy baby after many miscarriages and that the ‘baby is now 25. How truly lovely. My experience of miscarriage was of an emotional roller coaster which i guess is what your Aunt went through. Thank you for commenting,

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